Raptured in California
26 May, 2011

Mancho Ekliani
It’s been five days since I was supposed to be raptured. I baked cookies for the occasion. I even put a bow on my cat Midnight (aka Hitler) to make him more presentable in heaven.

But 6 o’clock came and went and there I was alone in my kitchen, sharing cookies and milk with my cat. What happened? What’s the hold up? I looked outside my windows, but nothing out of the ordinary was happening out there either. Sure some buildings were shaking, some bushes were burning, but this is California after all.
To make sure I wasn’t left behind by mistake I called up bunch of people I was sure would be going to heaven. They were all still on this planet. Even the Pope stayed put. Well, this was rather an unpleasant development. On the one hand I was glad, I wasn’t the only one left in this place, on the other hand I wasn’t sure it was such a bad thing to continue on living. The rent is due in two weeks again. I have to feed the cat again. The bus will be late tomorrow and the day after and the day after. On the other hand, I can go to the beach and get a proper tan this time around.
I mulled this over cookies and tea. Midnight had nothing to contribute so he continued to drink his milk quietly. He did shred the bow I put on him. I guess it was his one show of anger at being denied the rapture.
The next day I was over the rapture. I know! I couldn’t believe it either, but I was already onto something else. My aunt called me from Tbilisi, the one who’s package got hijacked by the Postal Service Pirates, and told me about the new and improved rapture announced by some ex minister from his posh place in Paris.  Oh, Paris, I have always wanted to go to Paris. The city of love and romance, and fortune tellers. The date of the new rapture slash Armageddon is May 25th.  This rapture will only be happening to Georgia- because we are special that way. The Ex minister mentioned something about rapture coming through but only if the army approves it. Not sure how that corresponds to the rapture, but maybe the army he had in mind was the army of angels?  I would not want to face them under any circumstances. Personally I would want this rapture postponed so I could live to see another day, and by another day I mean May 26th. That’s the day of the Georgian Independence Day parade, and more importantly, the day Kung Fu Panda 2 comes to a movie theater near me.
If I am going to stay on this earth surrounded by heathens and an ungrateful  cat, I am going to go to the movie theater, complain about the cost of tickets, popcorn and drink and I am going to watch a big fat Panda run around on the giant screen above me. Everyone else can go get raptured.